Everyone, there’s something I need to get off my chest. I like to think of myself as an accepting person—I rarely judge others, and I stand at the forefront of many progressive movements. Hell, I’ve even gone so far as to sit through an entire movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. Despite all this, I feel that we as a society at some point need to draw the line, stop the madness before it goes too far. Here is my confession: I hate bunnies.
Look at this conniving bastard.
“But wait, good sir!” you say! “How could you despise such cute balls of fluff?” That’s just what the bunnies want you to think. As we sit back with our “oohs” and “ahhs,” these tiny bastards are scheming world domination. Remember when one of them nibbled on poor grandma’s cabbages? Or when a group of them ate your neighbor’s daisies? One celery stalk here and there may go unnoticed, but just wait until these fuzzy monsters get their act together. Today a flower garden, tomorrow the Pentagon.
Let me queue you in on a secret: I love video games. They allow us to escape to an alternate reality free from the stresses of our daily lives. But did you know that all those hours spent in front of the screen may have taught you principles incompatible with the actual world? Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned from video games. Add your own in the comments section below!
Just duck behind cover and your head will repair itself
We’ve all been there: you’re innocently running across the map in Call of Duty when somebody jumps out from around the corner and hits you with–no, not one–three shotgun blasts. Your vision goes blurry, and in the corner of your eyes you see blood. Panting, you dive behind the rusted body of a car, holding on to your fraying thread of life. Then, all of a sudden, your sight starts to clear. Your heartbeat returns to normal, and the red in your peripheral vision disappears. Just moments after taking a buckshot to the eye you spring out from cover and rejoin the action without so much as a scratch. This can only mean one thing: no matter how much bodily damage we sustain, we will automatically heal ourselves! We are invincible! Now, if you give me a minute, I’m going to go try out those makeshift wings I have in the attic…
“Oh my gosh, this is incredible! I can’t believe this is actually happening! Good thing I’ll always land on my feet, right?”