Everyone, there’s something I need to get off my chest. I like to think of myself as an accepting person—I rarely judge others, and I stand at the forefront of many progressive movements. Hell, I’ve even gone so far as to sit through an entire movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. Despite all this, I feel that we as a society at some point need to draw the line, stop the madness before it goes too far. Here is my confession: I hate bunnies.
“But wait, good sir!” you say! “How could you despise such cute balls of fluff?” That’s just what the bunnies want you to think. As we sit back with our “oohs” and “ahhs,” these tiny bastards are scheming world domination. Remember when one of them nibbled on poor grandma’s cabbages? Or when a group of them ate your neighbor’s daisies? One celery stalk here and there may go unnoticed, but just wait until these fuzzy monsters get their act together. Today a flower garden, tomorrow the Pentagon.
Even more heinous is the bunnies’ ruthless conquest of our holidays. Have you ever thought carefully about Easter? This festival celebrates the sacred art of dyeing eggs—where the hell did the Easter Bunny come from? This character adorns greeting cards in houses across the world even though bunnies don’t lay eggs. These conniving puffballs have clearly usurped this holiday from its rightful owner: the Easter Chicken. This loving bird, not bunny, should have a place in children’s hearts, flying across the world on Easter morning to hide her colorful eggs in backyards and picnic baskets. The corruption of this festival is just another clear example of the bunnies’ plans for world domination.
It is in light of all this that I am declaring death to all bunnies. Such drastic measures will surely carry weighty consequences, but only by waging war now can we avert the horrors brewing around us. Our progeny will view the Human-Bunny Clash of 2014 not as a comma in the history books but as a valiant stand for humanity, a time when the Second Great Generation rose to defend our way of life against bunny tyranny. It is my pleasure to report that many valiant groups, such as Monty Python and the team behind The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, have already heeded the call of duty against the fluffy kind. Just observe this character’s reaction to a bunny in Skyrim (a game, I might add, that tracks a stat for “Bunnies Slaughtered”).
It is with great pride and humility that I ask you to rise up with me in confronting these fuzzy munchkins of corruption. Together we can save peace as we know it and put an end to this madness. Please leave your thoughts and supporting words in the comments section below. Thank you, dear friends. Enjoy the beautiful spring, and may you stay safe from the cottontail’s gaze.
So what do you think about the impending Human-Bunny Clash? Should we go to war now to avert future catastrophe? Or are you a yellow-bellied bunny-sympathizer? Let me know in the comments section below! As always, please like, share, or reblog this post if you enjoy it. Be sure to check me out on Twitter and Facebook as well. Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to subscribe for new content every Wednesday!
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Comment question of the week
Are you for this bunny war?