Five people to avoid at the library

And the list-style comedy is back! If you’ve ever visited a library, you probably don’t need me to tell you that other readers can affect your experience. Whether you are gathering research, cramming for an exam, or just enjoying a good book, certain people excel at distracting you from your work. Below are five people to avoid at the library, inspired by a week spent in the library during finals. Feel free to add people you’ve encountered in the comments section below.

The Socialite

It there’s one thing everybody can agree on, it’s that you’re not supposed to talk in the library. These buildings are shrines to the worship of silence. The socialite, it seems, did not get the message. Difficult to spot before it’s too late, the socialite makes himself apparent when he pulls out his cell phone and proceeds to talk as loud as humanly possible. Hoping to finish that paper by the end of the night? Good luck. He has a whole list of people to call, and he made sure to bring his phone charger. Some people have purportedly witnessed two socialites together at the same library. Those who have escaped with their sanity report that the chatter is deafening.

“Yeah, everyone in here is working really hard…no, it’s fine, I can talk.”

“Yeah, everyone in here is working really hard…no, it’s fine, I can talk.”

The Diner

Remember when libraries made you eat your food outside? Even back then you could find one of these guys stealthily munching away. A menace to the studious reader, the diner confuses the library with a dining room. As soon as he sits down, out comes a backpack-full of drinks and snacks. Not just any food, too—these sandwiches and cookies smell so good that nobody in the room will be able to finish a paragraph. The diner wants everyone to know how good his food is as well. Be prepared for an onslaught of crunching, slurping, cracking, and crinkling. Once he has finished his food, he will either fall asleep or leave the library without having opened a book. He then presumably goes to a restaurant and reads.

“Oh man, that was a hard five minutes of studying. NOW WATCH ME EAT THIS APPLE!”

“Oh man, that was a hard five minutes of studying. NOW WATCH ME EAT THIS APPLE!”

The Aspiring Librarian

Have to sneeze? Better hold it in, lest you want to catch an angry glare from the aspiring librarian. This ambitious individual sneaks around bookshelves chastising even the slightest noises and disturbances. Did your computer just make the start-up noise? You’ve earned a disapproving frown. Drop your pencil on the floor? Tisk tisk tisk. The aspiring librarian makes it her duty to punish every noise or distracting gesture you make. Just make sure not to yawn. Those people can “ssshhhh” like no other.

“Don’t you think I didn't hear that sneeze. One more and I’m getting you thrown out of here.”

“Don’t you think I didn’t hear that sneeze. One more and I’m getting you thrown out of here.”

The Dirty Tissue Guy

Let’s be fair here—we all get sick now and then, and a few sniffles never hurt anybody. The dirty tissue guy, however, takes this to a whole new level. While most people at the library use tables for their work, the dirty tissue guy surrounds himself with a circle of used Kleenex. These aren’t kept in a tight pile either. The dirty tissue guy maximizes surface area by inching each new tissue closer to everyone else at the table. Sure, the waste basket is just around the corner, but it’s just so much nicer to let the tissues sit next to people as they work. After all, who wouldn’t want to get sick during finals period?

“Wow, putting all my dirty tissues here is great. Why didn't I think of this earlier?”

“Wow, putting all my dirty tissues here is great. Why didn’t I think of this earlier?”

The Amateur Pornographer

Yes, you read that correctly. During their daily search of the web’s amateur porn sites last October, some Cornell University undergrads noticed something funny about a certain webcam video: it had been shot in the school’s Engineering Library. Sure enough, research revealed that aspiring pornstar Cameron Knight had secretly filmed herself in Cornell’s Carpenter Hall library. What’s even better is that she had done it multiple times, gracing the school’s law library as well. While some students expressed shock that such events could go unnoticed, many were surprised that someone had finally found a use for an engineering library. Oh, and the best part? The kid studying in the background has no idea what’s he’s missing.

“Best. Psych reading. EVER.”

“Best. Psych reading. EVER.”

So what do you think of this list? Are there crazy people you’ve seen in the library? Let me know in the comments section below! As always, please like, share, or reblog this post if you enjoy it. Be sure to check me out on Twitter and Facebook as well. Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to subscribe for new content every Wednesday!

Click here to read last week’s post: Some Light Reading for the End of the World!


Comment question of the week

What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever seen in the library?


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